Chauffeuring Street Kids 2: Revenge of the Shift

In this mangled metropolis, I am a born-again driver. I shift gears with lightning reflexes. I slash across lanes flawlessly. I attempt to change the station on the radio... Still working on that one. Only one test remains to become a certified Argentine road warrior. The highway. Or as they define it in my Spanish dictionary, “El Diablo Gigante con Pantalones del Fuego”. Don't ask where I got this dictionary.

This time around, William and his little girl decide it might be safer to walk through the shanty towns by the train tracks, flashing hundred peso bills, than to ride with me. No problem, because it's mad max countdown. I've got my war paint on. We're starting off in a blaze. We hit the highway in t-minus... once I get out of first gear. Oops. Car stalled. Mmm, okay. Got it. Oh, wait, release break. Yeah. Let's go. Woo! ….Okay, how do I turn that off?

It's day two of apartment hunting and I am 'preparado'. I take a deep breath and recall the important lessons from yesterday: how to holler at women from the window, how to take my shirt off every time we get out of the car, and how to avoid eye contact with the ridiculous red light vendors. In reality, who drives to work, stops at a red light, and thinks, “Golly, I just remembered I need a super-soaker, a child-sized floaty vest, and a kite before I get home”? Welcome to Buenos Aires. Credit card not accepted. No return policy – unless you can find the same street corner vendor. Then the policy is to toss it at him.

Overall, I'm more at ease with the city. I've come to enjoy the agreed disorderliness. Elements of the traffic are even making sense. When the light is about to turn green, both red and yellow light up. It's strange at first; but, as soon as I see the red/yellow light, I shift into first gear. It's genius - everyone's ready to squeal forward on green (pedestrians present or not). I've even accepted the fantasy lanes people create; mainly, because it's impossible for traffic to flow with taxis stopping every second to snag their fares. Hence, everyone hovering slightly to the side of the lane, ready to leap around stopped vehicles. Ordered chaos is the fail-safe of humanity. Oo, that's quotable. I hope it makes sense.

Now, it's time. Highway time. Jesús flicks his hand toward the road, which I've come to understand means keep going straight; or, look at that chica caliente – this results in plenty of confusion. I keep driving straight and see the cement highway crisscrossing the road ahead. The road splits, he flicks, I turn, we're in.

And... commence dramatic anti-climax. It's a highway. Not much going on. In fact, people are well behaved. The highway may even be the calmest part of the city. I honestly feel cheated. I want to star in Speed Racer. I want to bust out maneuvers that are too Fast as well as too Furious. I want Matrix-style back flips off tractor trailers! I'd even settle for the Love Bug. Alas, we coast along the highway for about five minutes and then exit into another “economical” area of the city to look for apartments. Oh well, as long as it doesn't turn into Hostel...

As for the apartment shopping, we double our productivity – that is, we see two places today instead of one. We make a supremely efficient team. Wilson scribbles five numbers off of rent signs, Jesús calls one, sets up a meeting we never go to, and I drive in circles. Hm... I think we unknowingly summed up the Argentine government.

As we're about to give up and go home, I give Jesús one more number. He calls and speaks for a minute. A meeting is set and we drive to the renter's office. If only it were that easy. We can't see the apartment because they're painting it. Another reason may be that Jesús looks like a street kid, he has tattoos, crooked teeth, and speaks the street slang; they don't think he can afford to rent the place. However, they show him photos, he says he likes it and tells them we''ll return the next day...

Does Jesús find an apartment?? Will Kevin buy more floaty vests?? Who is the mysterious man lurking in the shadows??

For answers to these questions, and more, tune in next time!

Next time!: Yes, No, Raúl (turns out, he has a hangover).